Dont Let Go
by Akky-chan
Summary: continuation of chapt 168, read at own risk. T for lang and themes. AlLena at the end. Happy Birthday, Cross-Sama... Dont let go, dont let go. Save me from my nightmare, please, but dont let go. We will fade away. Dont ever let go.


Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing. Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning. Let the weak be strong. Let the right be wrong. Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay, it's independence day. -- "Independance Day" by Martina McBride

**It's kinda AlLena in the end... but... yeah...**

**Sorry to everyone who had to listen to my rant on dA... it was a not-so-great moment... sorry...**

**...Happy Birthday, Cross Marian...yeah, now we know why Hoshino skipped last week**

**This is what happened... afterwards**

"Is it... morning?"

They found me in the room the next morning. I had heard a gunshot. I had felt dread. I knew, even though it hadn't been more than an hour or two prior I had been pulled by him into a hug and been told the awful truth, I knew I had to see him. I had to see Master. I had to.

I ran down the hall, not caring that Lenalee had woken up when I moved. Neither that Johnny had also awoken, nor that they were both calling me back and asking what was wrong. They both knew I had been strange, and they both thought it was understandable. I had been under a horrible pressure lately, and though they both didn't think I was guilty, they were both very wrong.

I heard them running after me, I heard them calling again, panicking. I must have been easy to follow, even though I was so far ahead. I was pale, pale, pale as a ghost. A panicked ghost sprinting down a dark hall at top speed.

I saw a soft glow behind me. Lenalee had activated her boots. Within moments, she was beside me, carrying Johnny to keep up with me.

"Allen, what's wrong?" She demanded. I gave her no answer, I just kept running, my eyes forward, my heart pumping. Outside I was freezing, but inside I was so hot. I was scared, there was no denial. Master, I need to see you. Right now. "Allen, what's with you?" She demanded again. "This isn't like you!"

My eyes burned, but I wasn't crying. Fear and anger feel different in me. Anger is the side of the head, fear is in front, somehow, that's the part of my head that hurts when I get scared or angry. I don't know why, but right then, I was having near a migrane, trying to figure out which side hurt more. I don't know if I was scared, angry, or if my senses were just on overdrive and I was in a blind obsession. I don't know.

I never know.

I came to a sudden stop at the end of a crossroad. Left, right, or straight? My right hand twitched. I near ran Lenalee over as I charged down the hall. That horrible numbness when you can still feel haunted me. It's all warm, but that's all you know. You know you have to keep running, and that it's warm, but there's nothing more to it than that. That was now. That was everything. Just like back in Asia. This was no time to stand still; as long as I was in motion, it didn't matter what I found at the end.

Lenalee made me stop.

She crashed into me, knocking me into a wall. I don't know what made me lie there as she and Johnny towered over me, but I just stayed. It was all I was capable of. My mind was still in a rush, but my body was just tired.

"What were you thinking?" She demanded. Johnny peeked out from behind her as they both awaited my answer. I slowly managed to breath again. My mind came unfogged, but there was still panic inside me somewhere. My chest, the center. No, the lungs. _My right for the humans_. Something made my uncursed eye blink tears. _The right for humans_.

"I-I heard... a gunshot," Something blocked my throat, making me stutter and delay. "I-it sounded near wh-where Master was—"

Lenalee blinked. "You saw your—" I was up and running by that time. "Allen, wait!" She grabbed Johnny again and flew after me.

Master.

Master.

Master, God damn you, you had better be alright.

I finally reached those giant wood doors out of breath and near falling over. I threw myself against them and managed one open. The right door.

I thought for a moment I was asleep, and maybe just trapped in a horrible nightmare. Like those ones where you just run and run but you never get where you're going to. But I had gotten there. I was glad I did, but some part of me just screamed. My mouth.

"_MASTER!_"

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, _no!_

It sounded childish, it sounded selfish, it sounded plain _stupid_ but I think I truly died there. Part of me was wretched out, beaten to a pulp then ripped apart by claws. I could see it all. I saw me on the floor, on my knees, staring at the bloody corpse of my master. Lenalee coming in behind me and screaming. Johnny too. He trembled and fell next to me, he held my body and I felt his arms breaking through the isolated field of cold that engulfed me. Johnny, please don't ever let go. You'll vanish too.

"Master..." I whispered. I saw my lips move, I heard it, but I was numb. I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel any emotion behind it that I was supposed to. Maybe I really was a screwed up little kid. Duh, I was a screwed up little kid. I was born and dropped and beaten and forced to work like a slave to manage to live. Tell me that don't screw you up and I may have a word with the big man about your next life.

Johnny's arms dropped and I fell back into complete cold. Walk, my legs, walk. I don't care if you were broken two times before, you need to walk now. Now, of all times and places. Carry me closer to death. But don't let me fall in. Just let me look over the pit and see if I am blinded by horror and fears. Let me be blind, oh please. Let me be dreaming, let this not be real.

Let my nightmare end. Oh please, let my nightmare end.

I stumbled over to Master. His corpse. It was real. It was real. Real. Real. Real like the blood in my veins. But his was everywhere it shouldn't have been. He shouldn't have been dead. Master was invincible, and I knew it. There was no way _my master_ was gone. I swear to you on that God hates me, my master was alive somehow.

And at the same time, Komui had said God must love me more than anyone else.

And I think that's when I broke.

The next morning I woke up, warm, with a fever. It was a fever induced nightmare, which had originated by my sudden and very violent recollections of Mana. I had only imagined Master dead, because I was scared to lost someone like that again. I didn't care about Fourteen, but that did not mean Master's words last night hadn't horrified me for a second at the least. Red hair.

_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._

"B-blood..." My hair was stained with Master's blood. I had broken that night. I fell into a pool of the blood. I broke.

I got up. In the fever induced and hyped up by horror, the world spun around me. But I still saw them carrying a medical cot, covered with a white, red-stained sheet. My color white. My color red. Warm. Lenalee and Johnny were hugging me. They were crying. I couldn't. I couldn't cry at all. Just like Mana had said.

"Master..." Lenalee stroked my head, trying to calm me. Trying to comfort me. I didn't... I did. I wanted her to save me from this hell. Oh, please, Lenalee, save me from my gray world of death and salvation.

"Master," Oh please, stop me from the sin I long to commit. Stop me from screaming out to him and destroying everything he worked for til his last moments. He there, and when I break again and he comes out, kill me. Kill me before I do you and everyone I love and hold dear. Kill me if I fail you all.

"Who gave you damn permission to leave me here?" Hold me tight and don't let go. One of us will fade away if you do. Hold me tight to my world and smack me if I think I've broken my legs again. Make me remember my friends and make me remember to think selfishly in matters other than the thrill of the kill. Smile. Please smile. I think I may never be able to again unless you all do first. Please, please smile for me.

"Who told you you could abandon me, you bitch?" Stop me from losing myself, and drag us all back to Earth. Remind us all of our home and never give up because you are the one who will save us all. Not the Remaker of Time, not the Sin Eater, not the Knight of Lords, not the Recorder of History, not the Destroyer of Time. You, the Blackened Butterfly. Because I have shadowed my heart and willingly held up my sword to kill.

"Who said you could leave me alone?"

"You arent alone, Allen," You whisper. "We wont let go."

I have done what Mana couldn't. I was crying.

"You better damn not let go..."

I bet he was up there in heaven right now, welcoming in Master and shaking his hand, pointing to where the not-so-prude angels were, and looking down to where I was, smiling in jealousy."

"You better damn not."


End file.
